Sterile Christianity

Lately I have been sinking further and further into a state of uncertainty. I am unable to measure exactly how far down I have gone, but each fathom adds weight to lungs whose breath I exhausted long ago.

It has been too long since I have read my bible, it has been too long since I sought counsel with the Holy One. Every time someone does something that reminds me I feel that twinge of guilt. Outwardly I have opposed the long hours at work, but inwardly I have been thankful for the distraction. One single focus until I am too tired to think at all. It has been glorious, even though I know it will only get worse the longer I ignore that small voice.

I watch people. Too often I judge people. Lately I have been humbled from people who I thought could never come close. I am a rule follower. I love them, they help keep me safe. I attempted to make being a christian into a list. I prayed, I read, I raised my hands. Not that in those things I never found authenticity. Yet I missed the point. I looked down upon those not following the rules, acting in a way contrary to the way iI thought Christians should act. I sterilized my Christian walk. Thus far I have done a good job of hiding this inner struggle. A few close to me have caught a glimpse but I forced them from pursuing the truth. A month ago I felt as if I was on the verge of perfect Christianity, or near as one could get. Rules had deceived and twisted me into thinking that could be possible. I never bluntly called it that but never the less. I had a thirst for the bible and an understanding of it as never before. Like a dam being built waiting for that single crack that has it all come crashing down. I feel like I have been tied down with struggles unable to get loose. Like I keep trying to climb stairs, able to get just so far before I come tumbling down only to begin again. A useless act without first finding something sharp. I am placed in positions that require leadership by people who believe and want to invest in me. I fear I can only let them down. I apply pressure on myself that is unrealistic. My sterile walk has reached a point I can no longer ignore. I want to be that leader people think I could be. I have to find a way through an obstacle course of my own luke warm tendencies. The say Christianity isn’t easy but it ain’t rocket science. The problem is it calls you to do the things you don’t want to. Swallow your pride, love those you don’t feel deserve it, even though you are justified in not. Learning to live for God in your every day life. Most likely getting it wrong more than you get it right but the attempt itself meaning everything.

God here I am. All of me. Everything. Wholly yours.

I want to ask forgiveness for sins you have already forgiven.  I want to apologize for acting in ways I knew better, for letting myself get in the way of you and me. Let me accept the help from those you have put around me for strength.

Amen